An introduction of long-winded meandering.

I'm on a journey.

I don't know where it's going to end. 

I do know why I'm on this journey. I'm becoming. It's a process that's going to alter me fundamentally and irreversibly. I couldn't stop it, even if I wanted to. I can slow it down, speed it up, change direction sometimes and look behind at what I used to be. Otherwise, I'm stuck in this roller coaster car humanity calls "life" and "growing up".

I'm like most people and put my life on cruise control when things appear to be going well. It's just that, for me, things never appear to be going well for too long. 

As of this writing, I am very tired of certain aspects of myself that refuse to change, despite my efforts. I want the journey to end. I don't want to die. I'm just tired of enduring this process of "becoming". There are days I just give up, but it just keeps dragging me along anyway.

Sometimes I glimpse the destination for a brief moment. It glorious and during that time I feel like I can do anything, be anything and life is what it should be. It always fades away in the face of my current reality. That fading hurts. I want to hold on to the moment and never let go. Because, my currently reality is that I am a broken person with many flaws and imperfections. Some of them weigh heavily on my heart. Some of them weigh heavily on the hearts of others, I am certain. It can drive me to tears. 

People laugh at the term "existential crisis". It is often used when someone doesn't know who they are anymore and starts acting in uncharacteristic ways. 

I use the term differently. Every day has the potential for me to lose grip of who I am. Every day I can become disoriented and confused about my identity. Most days I am (at least) uncertain and doubtful. For me, a crisis occurs every so often when my usual methods of recovery don't work.

I live much of my life inside my own head. I share very little of myself with others, using their expressions of self to blend in with them. Most people are so eager to talk about themselves and not so interested in someone else's life, that it's easy to exploit this weakness. The few folk who can see past my facade, are welcomed as my friends for life. To date, only one person has recognized that welcome and accepted it. And it's my own fault. I'm not really willing to do the work of making friends. I just want it to happen on it's own.

I am primarily a creature of emotion. That is one of the biggest factors in my instability of self and identity. It can be a great gift. I possess a great well of compassion for others. I can make almost anyone feel better for a time. I am a human antidepressant and that's pretty cool. Saying just the right thing at the right time time is a highly valued talent. And very rewarding. So, it's not all bad. Just difficult at the moment.

Writing this out in the open is a huge first step for me. Please forgive my errors of grammar and structure. Or don't, because I just stopped caring about the opinion of others for the first time, ever. So. There.