He wanted me

I was inspired to write this after watching a short clip from an iconic show, "the Fresh Prince of Bel Air". The clip is very different from much of the show's humor and comedy driven content. It's incredibly poignant and displays actor Will Smith's capacity for raw emotion in his acting.
I'll put it here, go ahead and watch it before reading further.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oSKyaXkzVvc

In it, the character Will is rejected at the last minute by his biological father after being under the impression they were going to spend some time together. It's made pretty clear by Will's following speech to his uncle Phil that he's desperate for that kind of father-son interaction and it's been largely absent in his life.

I've not spoken too much about my father to very many people in my various social circles. To be sure, I don't say much of any import about my family in general outside of the people who already know them well. And that's not because they're terrible people. I'm just reserved about such things.

Today I'd like to put something out there about my dad. You see, I started this path of becoming ideal with the realization that my various dysfunctions weren't something I had (mostly) done to myself and I wasn't doomed to live under their rule. I'm dysfunctional largely in part due to my parent's dysfunctions. Most people are, really.

In my case, I share several of my dad's less attractive personality traits, like conflict aversion, terrible time management and putting myself down whenever someone compliments me. He's more extreme, I acquired a few traits from my mother and other adult figures in my life that have really helped balance me out better. I should point out that my dad and I also share a number of positive traits. We're both compassionate, generous with our time and resources and people instinctively like us, or at least don't dislike us. 

When I decided I was going to get better, one of the things I had to do was take stock of the various negative influences in my life. My relationship with my dad stood out prominently. We can bring out the worst in each other, especially when I was a teenager and felt the need to push my boundaries. This often forced the two of us into confrontations that neither of us really knew how to handle well. Now, my mom and I could argue productively. She brought out my more assertive traits and knew to fight fair, even with her own kid. Dad didn't fight fair, because he hated having to fight at all. He often just tried to assert his authority and attempt to manipulate my emotions, particularly guilt. Which is fine (and sometimes necessary) when you're talking to a 5 year-old, not so much an emotionally intuitive teenager. First I feared him, then I resented him and finally I began to regard him with contempt. I realized that the time he spend lecturing me was more to reassure himself that he was right, not so much to correct me. 

This screwed up my ability to know when I should or shouldn't feel guilt and remorse over my behavior. Since I wanted to be a good person, I erred on the side of feeling guilty by default, while simultaneously resenting the situation and usually person that caused the feeling. This is not healthy, at all. It causes you to build up a lot of self loathing and disappointment. And frustration with the world around you.

Fortunately, I got better. I'm still getting better. I've learned to focus on the positive aspects of myself and put effort into making them grow stronger. And this caused me to also look at other people with a different perspective. Like my dad, who I eventually realized hadn't gotten where he was by himself. His father screwed him up, too. The more I find out about my dad's interactions with my grandfather, the more I understand why my dad is the way he is. I'm still not "ok" with it. He could be better.

Here's the thing, though. My dad didn't screw me up as badly as his did him. That might sound like faint praise, but it's not. Because it wasn't an accident. He very deliberately loved me to the best of his ability. I know this, because unlike a lot of men, my dad chose to be my father on purpose. My biological father was a married coworker of my mother's that she had an affair with. He was a bit older and I never got the chance to meet him before he died. 
My dad married my mother and adopted me. I never felt like I wasn't his son. Even at our worst, that never happened. The one time he asked me if knowing I was half adopted was why I was acting out, I broke down in tears because he asked with such anguish in his voice. It never got brought up again. And you know what else? When my dad sees and hears about the things I've accomplished in my life and the lives of others, the teary-eyed look of pride he gets, it makes my day. So, when I look at him, I don't hear the word "stepdad". I hear the word "daddy". 

That's because, unlike the Fresh Prince's dad, my dad wanted me.