Just how I feel

Tonight catches me in a rare moment.

I have decided to try sharing that moment with any of you that happen to read it.

I am a creature of feeling. I prioritize emotion and meaning over rational thought and logic. This is a part of myself that has actually bothered me quite a bit. I mean, much of our society prizes the engineers, scientists and business people over the poets, musicians and artists (celebrities not withstanding). And why not? Every society has to have it's "folk that get stuff done" in order to survive. I mean, let's be honest, us touchy-feely folk aren't gonna do it. We'd try if we had to, but something would eventually get the better of our attention and then everything would go to hell. 

I have the heart of a poet, but the skills of a mechanic or a laborer. And I hate that. I can't seem to focus long enough to develop the skills to actually reflect my nature and heart's desire. I can't draw, can't sing, can't play an instrument and can't write well. Put a broken car or electronic device in front of me and I'll fix it, given the right tools and a chance to study the problem.

But I can't tell you why the sunset makes me weep sometimes. Or why a song just cuts my heart into pieces for no reason. I lack the tools for that job. And it hurts. I feel locked inside myself without outlet. Every time I try to get something out, I can't satisfy myself with it and it gets discarded. I want to inspire people, make them think and feel things they never have before. But all my hands seem to get out is utter rubbish. Don't ask me about my voice. Hate the sound of it.

I don't know how many times I've sat in front of this computer and tried to get words typed up to share. I'm not even sure if I'll make it this time, either. We'll see.

My wife has often encouraged me to blog and write more often. Her insistence is kind and thoughtful, but it makes me feel inadequate when I still can't manage to get something done.

Many times I wish I could just stop having all these worthless feelings that rattle around my head. That I could just become like Spock or Sherlock or even like my wife. I get tired of being distracted by the feelings and never being able to use them for anything productive or even creative. It's a tough spot to be in and I feel like I'm wasting my life trying to be something I'm not. The problem, is that I don't what I am supposed to be. Nor how aspire to it.

There, that's my rare moment. I'm telling you how I feel and not backing out at the last minute. 

Thanks for reading.